I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Randomize
