she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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