Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
