I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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