who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
