Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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