Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
