How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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