I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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