The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
