i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
