Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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