Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
