Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
