you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i think i just lost a toe
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
