Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
