Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she told me i tasted like america
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
