I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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