The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
