Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
