he told me I talked like a deaf person
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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