I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
