just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
