So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
