I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
