THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
