think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
