cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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