Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
