I just cut my nipple shaving
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
