I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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