Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Randomize
