oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
