She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
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