I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
