you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
