I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
