they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
