so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Randomize
