I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
