I didn't shave. On purpose
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
