News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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