Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
