Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
