This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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