she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
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