you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
