Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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