I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
