I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
