Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
did i walk over a car last night?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
